


all i want

by hyuckieluv



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, But He Gets Better, Fights, Fluff, Johnny is an asshole, Johnyong are book nerds, Kinda, Lee Taeyong is Whipped, Love, M/M, Mention of Shadowhunters, Seo Youngho | Johnny is Whipped, Taeyong Deserves The World, Tags Are Hard, mentions of trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 22:29:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16962675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckieluv/pseuds/hyuckieluv
Summary: "i love you, johnny. i love you more than starlight.”





	all i want

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably terrible and a mess seeing as it's literally 1:14am as i'm publishing this and i'm sleep deprived, but i wanted to write some angst and decided i may as well publish it!!! i apologise in advance for spelling or grammatical errors i may have missed, but i hope u enjoy anyway!! <33

“It’s just - Johnny I feel like I never see you anymore! You’ve been coming home late, sleeping on the couch and then disappearing at 7am to go to ‘class’ when in fact I see you on Jaehyun’s snapchat fucking around with them all day! It’s like you don’t even give a shit about me anymore!” Taeyong burst out, staring up at his boyfriend with wide, angry eyes. This argument had been a long time coming, and the final straw for Taeyong had been the previous night when Johnny had stumbled back into their shared apartment at the crack of dawn blackout drunk and more than a little bit out of it.

 

“Are you fucking serious Taeyong?” Johnny scoffed, and Taeyong winced. Johnny never cursed, especially not when they fought. He was always calm and level headed, and most importantly, the older never scoffed at Taeyong’s insecurities.

 

“Who _are_ you?” Taeyong whispered, hurt evident in his voice.

 

“God, what is up with you!? Just because I stay out late sometimes and hang out with my friends instead of you, you suddenly turn into this?” Johnny snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. Taeyong felt tears build in his eyes, but he desperately fought them back. He was not going to cry, not now.

 

“Turn into what Johnny!? I’m just worried about you!” Taeyong exclaimed, Johnny’s harsh words cutting deeper than he imagined they would.

 

“Yeah well take your worry and give it to someone who cares! I’m going to Jaehyun’s,” Johnny snapped, grabbing his jacket and storming out of the apartment. Taeyong watched him leave with a heartbroken expression on his face, flinching as the door slammed shut behind him. He slumped heavily against the wall and slid down onto the cold wooden floor, the first sob racking his body painfully. He doubled over, clutching his stomach as he cried into the hoodie he was wearing. Johnny’s hoodie. Taeyong’s heart twinged painfully as he inhaled the familiar scent of his boyfriend, the boyfriend that’d just walked out on him, fisting his hands into the soft material.

 

Taeyong couldn’t help but remember his asshole of step-father as he sat curled up on the kitchen floor, waiting for Johnny to return. He couldn’t help but remember the long nights spent consoling his mother when the man came back drunk and off his rocker, the angry fights and the the walk outs that happened every other weekend. He knew that in reality Johnny was nothing like his step-father, but the ghosts of his traumatic childhood haunted him and this was something Johnny knew. In fact, Johnny was usually the most caring person in the entire world, always worrying about others and being so cautious about not hurting people with angry words. He knew that there was something else going on with him, but instead of talking to Taeyong about it, Johnny had decided to take it out on him instead.

 

Meanwhile, at Jaehyun and Doyoung’s apartment, Johnny was hit by the sudden dawning realization that he fucked up badly.

 

“Johnny, you’re a fucking moron!” Jaehyun snarled, hitting the elder over the back of the head. Johnny flinched and screwed up his nose, but he didn’t argue. He knew he was in fact, a fucking moron.

 

“Johnny Suh, you need to go back to Taeyong! Like right now! What if he thinks your dumbass is cheating on him? He’s probably already convinced you don’t care, and you know how he gets when people walk out on him! What is wrong with you!?” Doyoung exclaimed, angrier than Johnny had ever seen him before.

 

“I wasn’t thinking!” Johnny groaned, burying his face in his hands. Doyoung let out a humorless laugh.

 

“Damn right you weren’t thinking! And if you don’t get your ass off of my couch right now and go and apologise to him, I might have to castrate you for hurting my best friend!” Doyoung snapped and Johnny winced, not really liking the sound of that. Plus, he was almost certain Doyoung was not kidding.

 

When Johnny crept back into their apartment, it was completely silent. The place was almost entirely dark aside from the glow that the city lights provided. None of the curtains were pulled, the lights were all out and not even the TV or radio were switched on. Had Taeyong got out? Johnny felt a stab of concern, seeing as Taeyong was probably in no condition to be wandering the streets of Seoul at 1am. No thanks to him of course.

 

“Yongie, baby? Are you in here?” Johnny called out, closing and locking the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and glanced around, his heart swelling painfully. He couldn’t believe that he’d said those nasty things to his boyfriend after he'd been the one beahving like an asshole for the entire week.

 

He'd upset the man who he loved more than anything in this world, the man who he even planned to propose to one day. Johnny had once promised Taeyong that he'd protect him from anyone who ever hurt him, and now it was Johnny himself doing the hurting.

 

The guilt he felt was enough to make his eyes prick with tears as he searched their apartment, calling out for him every two seconds.

 

The last place Johnny had to check was their bedroom, and the relief he felt when he swung open the door and saw Taeyong curled up asleep in the centre of their mattress was indescribable. That relief was very quickly replaced by immense guilt and sadness when saw that his boyfriend was shivering profusely, having fallen asleep with the window open on a cold Winter night. He lay clutching one of Johnny’s hoodies, his tear-streaked cheeks and puffy eyes breaking Johnny’s heart further.

 

Johnny hurried to close the window, drawing the curtains and turning on his dim bedside lamp. He crawled onto the bed, whispering Taeyong's name to rouse the younger from his nap.

 

“Yong? Yongie?” He whispered, carding his hands through Taeyong’s messy dark hair. Taeyong grumbled and cracked one eye open, falling motionless for a second when he saw Johnny. The second he realised that this was real, that Johnny was actually back and was sitting beside him, he let out a strangled noise and threw himself into Johnny’s arms. His sobs started back up again, a sound that hurt Johnny more than he could possibly put into words.

 

“Johnny, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being clingy and needy. I’m sorry, I know it’s pathetic and I should’ve just left it. Just please, don’t leave me. Don't leave me,” Taeyong managed to choke the words out, barely coherent through his hysterics at this point.

 

“Taeyong, baby no. Please don’t apologise, I’m the one who fucked up. Look at me baby, look at me,” Johnny’s voice was gentle but firm and Taeyong bit back another sob as Johnny took his face into his hands and looked him dead in the eye, Taeyong practically in Johnny’s lap at this point.

 

“Lee Taeyong, I love you so much. I’m so fucking sorry about the shitty, hurtful things I said. I'm sorry about being a mindless asshole this entire week and more importantly I’m so sorry I walked out on you like that. It was stupid and careless of me and I can barely function knowing that I’ve hurt you like this. I’m not your step-father Taeyong, I swear on my life. I don’t think you’re clingy or needy, I don't think you're a nuisance and I most certainly do want you to worry and care about me, because I certainly worry and care about you even though my stupid ass hasn't been acting like it. I was just angry and dumb and being a fucking idiot,” The only other time Taeyong could recall Johnny sounding so serious about something was the day that he'd first confessed to him. 

 

“You deserve everything good in the world Taeyong, and I will do absolutely everything to make up for the pain I’ve caused. You are my entire world, and I don’t think I could live without you. You’re my rock, my happiness, and the love of my life. If you want to take a break or dump me then I won’t be mad because I was a total heartless douchebag and I almost asked Jaehyun to punch me in the face because god knows I deserved it. I’m so fucking sorry,” He murmured, wiping Taeyong’s tears away as they continued to fall. 

 

“Johnny, it’s okay. I forgive you,” Taeyong’s voice was wobbly and he was still crying, but it seemed to be no longer because of sadness. Johnny sniffed and cupped Taeyong’s cheeks softly, his expression a mixture of vulnerability and sincerity.

 

“There is no pretending," Johnny said with absolute clarity. "I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there is life after that, I'll love you then.”

 

“Did you just quote Jace Herondale?” Taeyong giggled, his sobs slowly but surely turning into the occasional sniffle.

 

“Absolutely I did. And do you know why? Because it’s true,” Johnny whispered, kissing Taeyong's nose softly. Taeyong flushed, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Taeyong, I’m still so sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for the childish way I've been acting recently, and I don’t expect you to forgive me because it was so fucked up-”

 

“I already have forgiven you,” Taeyong interrupted, taking Johnny’s face into his hands like the older had done to him a mere 5 minutes ago. “I love you, Johnny. I love you more than starlight,” Taeyong smiled and Johnny let out a laugh. A genuine deep, happy laugh. Taeyong felt himself grow lighter.

 

“Did you just quote Emma Carstairs?” He questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

 

Taeyong simply shuffled off of Johnny’s lap and climbed back up into their bed, this time actually getting under the covers. Johnny removed his jacket and slipped in beside his boyfriend, not hesitating to wrap Taeyong tightly in his arms and hold him close, afraid he may lose him again at any second.

 

“I’m so sorry. I love you,” Johnny murmured, watching as Taeyong relaxed in his grip, his features softening.

 

“I know. I love you too,” Taeyong whispered and Johnny felt suddenly overwhelmed by affection for his lover. He’d almost slipped right through Johnny’s fingers tonight, and he never wanted to feel or cause that kind of distress ever again. Johnny knew that he’d probably hate himself for months due to the way he'd acted this past week, and god knows he wouldn't be forgiving himself anytime soon for hurting Taeyong so badly. But for now, he pushed those thoughts aside. Taeyong was safe in his arms and for the first time in weeks, everything felt right. Lee Taeyong was his home, and he always came home.

-

**_“Those who cannot love do not understand it”_ **

**_― Cassandra Clare, Lord of Shadows_ **

**Author's Note:**

> if u enjoyed pls leave me a comment bc i worked for like 3 hours on this dumb fic and i love attention!!! thank u so much for reading uwu


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